I've Been Shoe Hunting, and I Still Haven't Tagged Any

The days are growing shorter, a nip is in the morning air, and the hunt is on. Like the men who are starting to dream of the six-point deer they will defeat come November, I too will hunt. Shoes are a wily prey. They seek safety in the company of dozens if not hundreds of other pairs of shoes. They warn each other of approaching hunters, and dive deeper into their boxes or their online skid numbers. How they can tell anyone is coming is a mystery, since they lack noses. But they do. Man may hunt for food, but woman hunts for shoes (and clothes). Men have it easy. They can use guns. They can hunt in pairs or in groups to help each other fill their tags. They are allowed to go without distractions such as shaving or showering – even for days at a time – until at last success strikes. But woman tracks a wilier, trickier quarry. The men may pair up, but here it is the shoes that pair up to make her look silly for thinking she could outwit her opponent. The men do not have to worry too much about what size or color their quarry is – just about any size will do although larger is better. And the deer's coat is not the primary deciding factor in whether to shoot or let that one go Women let pair after go until they feel that they have the right one. I mean the right pair. The pair that will make her look and walk like a queen in her court. The pair that will match that suit or shirt just right, in a color that brings out one's eyes – no matter that the shoes are as far from the eyes as they can be without running for the safety of a closet. No matter that the average man will not notice the shoes on the average woman's feet even if she steps on his toes. Men do not understand why women will have dozens of pairs of shoes in her closet. It is all right for men to capture just one deer in a given year. It is all right for men if they only capture one trophy-worthy buck in their lifetimes. But women who are so seldom validated for their skills in anything, whether at work or at home, the shoes in their closet represent so much more than mere footwear. They are TROPHIES.